There comes a time in all non-relationship relationships where you ask your self, 'Whoa Nelly! Am I a door knob (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Door+knob) or a door stopper? (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Door+Stopper). '
Well everyone, if you're like me and are a 'door stopper', here are some wonderfully fun ways to get rid of your door kicker (Second definition- http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Door+Kicker).
1) Meet romantically entangled person in a park. Give them a cake which on the top reads, 'I am better than you.' This is a good move as it both reminds them of your dazzling culinary prowess, and of course, that you are brilliant. If they are offended, throw a smoke bomb and continuously yell 'Dijon' while rollerblading to safety.
2) Have your 'kinda guy' come over to your house. On arrival when 'kinda guy' asks housemate where you are, get housemate to act like they've never heard of anyone by your name and get them to present ‘kinda guy’ with the phone number of your nearest psychiatric facility. Delete your facebook and let all friends in on the act. Facebook friends can be reformed; sanity once lost is gone forever...
3) Act like a parrot and repeat everything he says. Everything he says. Everything he says. Everything he says. After roughly five minutes or so (less if he's smart, more if he's dumb) he'll snap. Then tell him you can't date anyone who can't communicate on your same level.
4) One night wait outside for him to pull up at his house. Once he's turned off the lights and is about to head inside, jump out from the bushes you're hiding in and whack the shit out of his arse with a fly swat. When he asks what you're doing tell him there's a massive fly constantly hanging around you and can't he hear it buzzing? Continue whacking him till he tells you to scram (again, smarter the male the less time you need) then joyfully yell, 'The buzzing is getting quieter! QUIETER!!!!'.
5) Leave town. Just leave. Pack your shit up and go. Change your name, find a new profession and get the fuck away from him. Drastic but effective.
Love you crazy kids,
Jaimie.
2) Have your 'kinda guy' come over to your house. On arrival when 'kinda guy' asks housemate where you are, get housemate to act like they've never heard of anyone by your name and get them to present ‘kinda guy’ with the phone number of your nearest psychiatric facility. Delete your facebook and let all friends in on the act. Facebook friends can be reformed; sanity once lost is gone forever...
3) Act like a parrot and repeat everything he says. Everything he says. Everything he says. Everything he says. After roughly five minutes or so (less if he's smart, more if he's dumb) he'll snap. Then tell him you can't date anyone who can't communicate on your same level.
4) One night wait outside for him to pull up at his house. Once he's turned off the lights and is about to head inside, jump out from the bushes you're hiding in and whack the shit out of his arse with a fly swat. When he asks what you're doing tell him there's a massive fly constantly hanging around you and can't he hear it buzzing? Continue whacking him till he tells you to scram (again, smarter the male the less time you need) then joyfully yell, 'The buzzing is getting quieter! QUIETER!!!!'.
5) Leave town. Just leave. Pack your shit up and go. Change your name, find a new profession and get the fuck away from him. Drastic but effective.
Love you crazy kids,
Jaimie.
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1 comment:
This is amazing!
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